With a few weeks to the election, and debate season in full
swing, it is far too easy to follow the crowd and try to predict what the
candidates are likely to say or do in the remaining two debates.
Instead, my mind has been wandering to what it must be like
to lose the election…to know that despite all of the efforts made, you are not
the one the people want. As I pondered this, it occurred to me that the
handover of a Presidency is not only extremely important but could in fact be
very helpful to the incoming President.
After all, the outgoing President has a lot of recent
experience and learned knowledge that he could impart to the incoming one….
I wonder what it was like in the Obama household when Bush
had that final chat…..
(Cue spooky music and wavy picture as we travel back in time
to become a fly on the wall of the Oval office as Bush provides some advice to
Obama….)
Bush: “Well, Barry,
you did it. Somehow you managed to convince enough people that your brand of hope
and change designed to fundamentally change America will actually make their
lives better. While we differ philosophically, I still feel I have something to
offer that I have learned in my 8 years at the helm of America.
As is conventional in
American politics, the outgoing President customarily gives a letter of advice
to the incoming President. I am breaking that convention by providing you with
4 letters numbered 1 to 4. In these letters you will find the accumulated
wisdom that I have gathered over the last 8 years…wisdom which if used
correctly, could help your own Presidency. I know you have no reason to trust
me….but when the time comes, reading these letters may help you gain
perspective and provide direction. After all, I am a citizen of this country
and your decisions affect me too…so it is in my best interests to provide the
best advice I can.”
With that said, George W. Bush took his leave, leaving
Barack Obama, newly ensconced in the White House with nothing more than the
much vaunted hope and change of his campaign promises bouncing around the empty
space where his brain should have been.
Not knowing what to do next, he opened the first letter from
Bush….
“The fact that you
are reading this indicates that you do not where to really begin transforming
America. My advice to you is to just start. Do what you do best…make speeches,
play basketball, and don’t forget the Wednesday night parties in the White
House…all manner of artists are clamoring to perform there….you will have no
trouble filling your time with these activities.
When the people catch
on and see that nothing of significance has changed, and that the economy seems
to be declining…open and read letter number two…the advice you find there will
be invaluable.
Signed: George Bush”
Obama scratches his head a little and thinks about this
advice. After an extraordinary long period of time, Obama straightens up and
decides that this is really not bad advice at all. Things are bound to get
worse before they get better, he thinks, so why not enjoy the honeymoon while
it lasts? After all, my team of advisors are well suited and prepared to deal
with the day to day issues of running the country….they don’t need me to do
that…yes, why not enjoy myself…why not treat my family to vacations in exotic
locales…and I may even be able to improve my golf score. You know…that George
Bush may not have been as stupid as I always thought he was…his first letter
makes a lot of sense!
So Mr. and Mrs President partied and vacationed and golfed
and spa’d and did everything that Bush had suggested. And just as Bush had predicted,
the economy became steadily worse. The unemployment numbers were bad news…jobs
and job creation were non-existent, small businesses were falling like flies
and the banking system was on the verge of collapse.
The transformation Obama had promised was coming to a
screeching stop, and the natives were restless…they were starting to demand
answers…starting to question whether the Obama choice was the right one.
In a fit of depression and doubt of what should be done
next, Obama turns to letter No.2…..
“Dear Barry…running a
country is surprisingly difficult, isn’t it? Especially for someone with such
non-existent experience as you have. But do not fear…help is at hand. What you
need is to convince the American people of a good reason for things to not be
as rosy as you had promised. Give them a good reason and they will give you
more time to solve the issues.
How about this? I
have broad shoulders …after all I am a Texan! So why don’t you blame me? You
could say that the economy is tanking because of Bush…the Bush wars, the Bush
tax cuts…maybe even my fault that tsunamis happen…get the idea? If you do that,
you could maybe buy a year or so before people start to call you on it. And in
that time, you can improve your golf game, push through unwanted legislation,
and have even more vacations.
Sounds like a plan to
me….you don’t actually have to do or achieve anything if you blame me!
Signed” George Bush”
Barry couldn’t believe his luck. Just when he had run out of
ideas, salvation was coming from the most unlikely source, being advice from his
predecessor. What valuable advice. And amazing that Bush was willing to
sacrifice his own place in history by being the whipping boy for Obama’s
mistakes…awesome!!
So Obama and his clown posse got together and planned. Harry
and Nancy sent out the war cry of blame Bush…a cry that was echoed throughout
Liberal Wonderland. Voices were raised in unison across the land…”It was Bush’s
fault!”
And Barry and Michelle grinned at how clever they were….they
partied harder, inviting rappers to perform at discrete functions for their
daughters…and select friends. They travelled more frequently, relying on their
surrogates to carry the message far and wide. Their own incompetence, they
believed, was now buried deep under the incompetence of the previous
administration, almost guaranteed to never see the light of day before the next
election. If it came out after that, it wouldn’t matter…they would have the
White House for another 4 years. What a perfect plan.
Somewhere deep inside Obama’s addled brain a small voice was
asking…”Why would Bush do this?”…but that small voice could not grow under the
weight of the talk show appearances, concert nights and vacations that had now
become the staple of life for the Obama’s.
Life was perfect. The country was in shambles, but that was
Bush’s fault…the economy was failing…Bush’s fault…the foreign wars were failing…Bush’s
fault…the dollar is weak…Bush’s fault!
Sometime later the whispers started. It was three years into
Obama’s presidency and the whispers were getting louder…questions were being
asked…and the liberal base, while still loyal supporters, were asking why it
could STILL be Bush’s fault.
Obama could hear the whispers and knew he he had to come up
with something before the whispers became a roar that drowned out his
re-election prospects. But he was out of ideas…what could he possibly do?
One night while watching replays of the NBA finals, a light
went off in the dark recesses of his brain. There were still 2 Bush letters
left unopened…perhaps there was some advice in them?
With trembling fingers he opened Bush letter number 3, hoping
that the words written therein could help him in his re-election campaign,
regardless of the sluggish recovery….
“Hey, Obama….I guess
blaming me didn’t get you through your first term…I tell you, the American people
are much smarter than you ever gave them credit for. But not to worry….I didn’t think the “blame
me” ruse would last forever which is why I wrote this letter for you.
If my calculations
are right, you should be about ready to start your re-election campaign…and we
all know how difficult it is to fit in a round or two of golf while on the
campaign trail. Particularly when your record is so bad that you can’t rely on
it to win this election. So far we have been able to work together to get you
three years into your first term without your having to achieve anything at
all. The task ahead is to get you through the next 9-10 months…and you have no
record of success to rely on. This is a bit tricky.
But by now you should
know that we Texan’s don’t give up. There is something that you can do…you can
explain to the people that while your policies have been working, they have not
been working fast enough…so you are re-organizing. You are re-visiting all the
problems…refining your policies, coming up with ideas that will speed up the
recovery. You can ask the people to give you a little more time to regroup and
that in the next term, after this election, your revised policies will bear
fruit…not the sour fruit of the Bush years, but fresh, succulent and sweet
fruit that will see the economy strong for the next hundred years….
Obama, old pal, this
is not hard. A man of your insecurity and lack of motivation can easily hide
behind the r0ock that is re-organization.
Signed: George Bush”
Obama slapped his forehead in glee. Of course! What a simple
solution…and what better time than now when he needed to give the electorate a
reason to elect him once more. So the
clown assembled once more. Biden was grinning like the fool he is as he
listened to Obama explain the plan. Debbie Wasserman Schultz decided that a
spread in Vogue would help polish her message of re-organization. Harry Reid
nodded so vigorously that his glasses dropped from his nose, landing at the
feet of Nancy Pelosi who looked for all the world like a deer caught in the
headlights of an oncoming orgasm.
The re-election plan took shape. A cunning Obama campaign
manager suddenly realized that the combination of a blame Bush punch with a
re-organization plan, could produce the knock-out they desperately needed to
get the Obama elected again.
And so it came to pass. Obama, convinced that his
re-election was in the bag, went back to comedy central to learn the lines he
would use in his many campaign appearances. His stand up routine was refined
many times…his one liners practiced for hours in front of a mirror…his timing
impeccable, he was prepared for every stump speech planned.
Unfortunately, his golf game suffered…so, in attempt to
improve the only thing he had achieved since becoming President (his golf
score) he started spending more time on the course…he avoided National Security
Briefings and debate practice with the same sense of urgency. Every spare
minute was spent driving, putting and counting his swings….and then disaster
struck.
The first debate was a disaster for the Obama…he showed the
world just how full of nothing he really was. Even his hot air fell to the floor with barely
a whimper…and his election chances deflated with him.
He knew trouble was around the corner. He sent his VP into
the fray with orders to liven the base…but all that happened was that Biden
grinned like a fool and left everyone asking the question “How does he get his
teeth so white?”.
Seeking inspiration, Obama turned to Bush’s letter number 4.
Nicotine stained fingers slowly opened the letter…and Obama
noticed immediately that this letter was much shorter than the previous three.
One page, folded in two…clearly not a lot written on it.
Shaking with fear, and excitement, hoping the solution was
contained in those few words, Obama tried to read it…but could not bring
himself to….
He hands the single sheet of paper to Michelle, asking her
to read it to him….
She squints at the small print….and reads…..
“Barry, my boy…it’s
time to start preparing 4 letters for the next President! George”
(Cue spooky music and wavy picture.)
Back again. Sorry for the diversion into imagination…I don’t
for a minute believe that has happened…but wouldn’t it be a fine thing?
Obama must NOT win this election…and that is firmly in your
hands.
Make him write those letters!
…..devereaux
