Thursday, January 19, 2012

Dear diary......

Dear diary…..

Yesterday I made a decision.

When I was wanting this role of President of the United States of America, I never realized how tough a job it really is.

Oh, I know…there are an awful lot of benefits to being regarded as the most powerful person on earth…and I have tried, I really have tried, to live up to all of my expectations.

My golf score has improved dramatically, I have discovered why Kobe beef is really expensive (it is really good) and I have learned that Martha’s Vineyard is not really a vineyard at all…it is a cool place to go and visit with the mega wealthy!! Who knew?

Of course, the bowling alley in the big house had to go…I still bowl like a special Olympian…but the hoops court is really cool, except when a stray elbow gets me and gives me a fat lip! At least, that is what we told the press…I tell ya, Michelle has a temper that knows no end. I am so glad we do not have guns …in fact she is a damned good reason to ban the sale of guns to the citizens!!

Anyway, I digress…what was I saying…..?

No…it wasn’t the about the football games coming up….and no, it wasn’t about that pesky guy what’s his name…the one that is in Iran…got those nuclear plans…what’s his name?  Armadinnerjacket  …or something like that. I am so glad Michelle wrote that letter to his requesting a private meeting….

No…it was important…what was it?

You know, this whole election thing is getting to be very distracting. I was watching Jerry Springer the other night and he said I was doing a great job….I think more Americans should watch this guy….they may learn something about me….after all, if he thinks I am doing a good job, I must be.

Of course, Michelle disagrees…but then she disagrees with everyone…such a disagreeable woman!

Oh…did you hear that Newt wanted an open marriage? Lucky bastard…he gets to screw around and still run for President. I just get to look at that dragon with her ghastly expressions and big ass, and try to smooth the waters when she gets her knickers in a twist and tries to get rid of my Chief of Staff, or my Press Secretary. I swear…she must have hormonal problems…I need to make a note to get the White House physician to check that next time he is here.

Now, where was I?

That’s right…how could I have forgotten?

Yesterday, I made a decision!

I was so proud of myself….I had to think long and hard about this…after all, it was very important. I actually hate having the lives of millions of people depending on my decisions…which is why, to date, I have avoided them totally. Up until yesterday, I was able to rely on that big assed gorilla, Michelle, to make my decisions for me…or if that failed, we could get the girls to tell us what they would do…they were usually pretty good.

But yesterday…yesterday was different. I put on my big boy undies and told her that I was going to make this decision…all by myself.

I told her that it was time she was put in her place, and that I was President…and that it was about time she let ME make the decisions…if she wouldn’t mind.

Her reaction surprised me, I must confess.

She simply patted me on the head, and said…”if you really think you are ready for it, go ahead and make the decision”…and then she waddled toward the kitchen in search of something fried to eat.

So, I made the decision…well…I sort of made the decision. You see, the weight of needing to make the RIGHT decision was weighing heavily on my shoulders. A bit of putting practice in the oval office while ignoring a scheduled security meeting didn’t help. Throwing some hoops while that idiot Reid and his nasty sidekick Pelosi waited for me did nothing to ease my consternation (nice word, huh? I learned that from Boehner when we were talking about the debt limit a few months back…he said I could use it whenever I wanted! ) Consternation….sort of rolls off the tongue real nice….like that hundred year old Armagnac she allowed me to taste last night….very smooth!

Reid and Pelosi could just cool their heels while I make this decision….after all, they are just going to ask me to do something for them…when are they ever going to do something for me? Wait…being President is not what I thought it would be…after all…everybody seems to want me to do something. Can’t a fella just watch TV sports and veg out for his four years in the big house? At least Michelle is here to take care of most of that crap….and we do get the parties, and entertainers fawning at our feet at the Wednesday night family concerts. Just like movie nights, only better – wow….what a good line…I guess Newt could say…”just like date night, only crunchier”….wow…I am so damn funny!!

Speaking of Newt…he scares me….if he beats Mitt for the nomination what am I going to do? I can’t very well send Michelle into the debates….I guess I will have to wear that damn earwig again and let her whisper the answers to me while I try to look in deep contemplation…..

…but I am good at that now….after all….I made a decision…and had to contemplate for a long time before getting it done.

Anyway…after the hoops, I realized I could not make the decision without getting some guidance from someone who I really trusted. Not being able to think of anybody around here that I really trusted, I suddenly realized the answer to that quandary was right beside me….Bo the wonder dog had been lying courtside watching me play hoops…or maybe dreaming of fire hydrants? I surely don’t know which…but he seemed to be smiling….

So I said to Bo…”Bo, talk to me about this pipeline thing….I really have no idea what it is or even where Keystone is…I have no idea what the fuss is all about….”

Bo just looked at me, lifted his leg and pissed on my pants….

At first I didn’t understand….

But then it hit me…”Piss on it” is what he meant…so I did….

The pipeline was dead. I had made my decision.

I literally skipped through the big house looking for Michelle, to tell her…and then to Jay and all the other people.

I pulled up my big boy undies and told them all…piss on it….and the pipeline was dead.

So today….the press and the talking heads are not filled with stories of my decision making process…but rather with how bad the decision is.

Oh well…when the crap hits the fan, at least I can say…”Bo told me to do it…it is his fault”




  1. Another good one. Instead of plugging the pipeline, just perhaps he should plug Michelle from time to time---just saying!

  2. Hey Ron,

    Really? I have no time for Obama but, man, could he be both blind and stupid?

    Apart from that, I have heard he has a proclivity for guys, not